Escaping a Life of Abuse and Fear

After 15 years of marriage, Salaivalu Tuinasau found her voice and the confidence to walk out of an abusive relationship.

She got married at the age of 20, and the abuse started immediately after their wedding.

She endured it for the sake of her children, but in 2019, she finally made the decision to leave and has never regretted it.

Ms Tuinasau hopes her story will be a source of inspiration and encouragement for women facing similar situations.

HOW HAD IT STARTED? 

Ms Tuinasau didn’t notice any red flags while dating, but things changed after marriage.

She describes the initial excitement, followed by a downward spiral due to her ex-husband’s womanising, alcoholism, and verbal and physical abuses.

“I stayed for my children,” she says, reflecting on her emotional turmoil after discovering his infidelity.

“The first time I discovered this, I was hurt and depressed. I went through a very emotional turmoil which I couldn’t get myself to come out of but then as it kept occurring, I stayed for my children.”

WHY I KEPT QUIET ABOUT THAT ABUSE 

“I got married at 20 years old. My father was from the security forces and we lived a disciplined life. I wanted to get out of it thinking that getting married was the solution. I thought that I was going to be happy, but it was the opposite,” Ms Tuinasau said.

“I kept quiet, thinking marriage was my choice, and I had to live with it. Now I know it shouldn’t be the case. Since I am the eldest in my family, my siblings looked up to me. I portrayed a happy life outside but inside, I was breaking. I didn’t want to show people the reality of what was going on.”

ABUSIVE MARRIAGE 

Admitted to the hospital multiple times due to injuries sustained in her abusive marriage, Ms Tuinasau recalls the moment her children helped her escape the last instance of abuse.

“When I walked out of the house the last time he abused me, it was my children who helped me get out of the house because I wanted to live and not die,” she said.

“A lot of people didn’t believe it when I walked out of my marriage. Not everyone knew what was happening and those who knew what was happening were relieved that I finally had the courage to do so.

“In 2019, there was a lot of news of women who died after being abused in the hands of their partners and husbands in Fiji and that triggered me.

“I remember thinking if these can happen to those women, it can happen to me to. Before, I always told myself that he will change, but I needed to remind myself that I have one life.”

NO CHILD WANT TO WITNESS THEIR MOTHER BEING ABUSED 

Witnessing the abuse, Ms Tuinasau’s children lived in fear.

She shared the trauma her children faced when exposed to domestic violence.

“My youngest child is seven years old and when she notices that I have tears in my eyes when I am listening to the words of God or when someone is telling their stories of being abused, she would come to me and she would say ‘Mummy, don’t cry. You will not get hurt again.’ This made me realise that what my children witnessed is something that will always be on their minds.

“Before I walked away from my marriage, my children lived a scary kind of life. When they see someone drunk and shouting, they get frightened because they think of the abuse.”

BE THE VOICE FOR THE VOICELESS 

Believing it’s time to speak out, Ms Tuinasau urged people to intervene when they witnessed abuse, becoming the voice for the voiceless.

“I had faced this too, and I wished that someone had interfered when I was being abused. You have no idea how much we need someone to stand up for us,” she said.

“It is common for us to say that it is none of our business to interfere when we see someone being abused or hear a woman crying out for help because it does not concern us, but it is time to change that mindset.

“I had faced this too, and I wished that someone interfered when I was being abused. You have no idea how much we need someone to stand up for us.

“It is better that we speak up because we might be saving someone from dying in the hands of their partner or husband.”

TALK OPENLY TO YOUR CHILDREN 

Ms Tuinasau advised her daughters against any relationship that had signs of trouble, emphasising the importance of recognising red flags.

“It is better for me to see my daughters leave an abusive relationship and come home than to have them come home in a coffin box. I have only one son and always advise him to always respect women and girls, no matter what.

“I want my son to be a gentleman, especially when he witnessed me being abused at a very young age, something he shouldn’t have experienced.”

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